Looking for a therapist can feel like speed-dating, with higher stakes. For LGBTQIA+ people, there’s an extra layer: will this person understand me, or will I spend my sessions educating them? Worse, will they quietly see who I am as the problem? Here’s how to find someone who’ll welcome the whole of you.
What “affirming” actually means
An affirming therapist treats your sexuality, gender identity and relationship style as valid parts of who you are, not symptoms to be explained away or changed. They won’t assume you’re straight, cis or monogamous. They’ll understand the impact of stigma (see “Minority Stress Explained: Why It’s Not ‘All in Your Head’”), and they’ll let you lead on what you want to explore.
What the guidance says
In the UK, the Memorandum of Understanding on Conversion Therapy sets out a shared position that attempts to change or suppress someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity are unethical and potentially harmful. The July 2024 version is signed by organisations including the BACP, the British Psychological Society, the Royal College of Psychiatrists, the Royal College of GPs, NHS England and Mind.
The BACP also publishes a good-practice resource on working with gender, sexual and relationship diversity (GSRD), which encourages practitioners to examine their own assumptions and to stay informed.
It’s worth knowing that the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) withdrew from the Memorandum in April 2024. UKCP says it still opposes all forms of conversion therapy, but the withdrawal caused debate within the profession. The takeaway isn’t that any one body’s members are unsafe. It’s that membership alone doesn’t tell you everything, so it’s worth asking a therapist directly.
Questions to ask in a first call
- What experience do you have of working with LGBTQIA+ clients?
- What training have you done in gender, sexual and relationship diversity?
- How do you approach gender identity in therapy?
- Will you use my name and pronouns?
- Are you comfortable working with non-monogamy, kink or asexuality (if relevant to you)?
Listen not just to the answers, but to how they’re given. Defensiveness or vagueness can be telling.
A grain of glitter ✨
An “LGBTQIA+-friendly” badge on a website is a start, not a guarantee. Directories such as Pink Therapy list therapists who work with GSRD clients, but listings are usually self-declared. And sharing an identity with your therapist isn’t essential: what research consistently shows matters most is the quality of the relationship (more on that in “Will I Have to Explain Myself?”).
Red flags
- Suggesting your identity is caused by trauma, without you raising this
- Asking intrusive questions out of curiosity rather than relevance
- Repeatedly misgendering you, or dismissing your concerns about it
You deserve a therapist who sees your horn as part of you, not something to be filed down.
Further reading
- Memorandum of Understanding on Conversion Therapy in the UK (July 2024)
- BACP, Good Practice across the Counselling Professions 001: Gender, sexual and relationship diversity
- UKCP statement on conversion therapy