A look at “‘It’s a magnifying glass for your relationship’: a thematic analysis of motivations, benefits, and challenges in consensually non-monogamous relationships” by Rebecca Codrington and Daniel R. du Plooy (2024)
Open relationships, polyamory, swinging, relationship anarchy: consensual non-monogamy (CNM) comes in many flavours. Estimates suggest around 5% of people are currently practising it. Yet it remains surrounded by stigma, including, the authors note, from therapists. This Australian study asked people in CNM relationships what draws them to it, what they gain and what’s hard.
What they found
The researchers interviewed eight adults aged 24 to 40, with a range of sexual identities and types of CNM, about their experiences. Three big themes emerged.
Pushing back against “mononormativity”. This is the assumption that monogamy is the natural, default or superior way to love. Participants described stigma and judgement from others. More surprisingly, some described having to unlearn monogamy norms they’d absorbed themselves: an internalised “one true love” script that could spark guilt or insecurity even when they’d chosen something different.
Growth and responsibility. Many said CNM felt more authentic and true to who they are. Benefits included having different needs met by different people, a wider sense of community, more fun, and much better communication skills. Participants also spoke of compersion: feeling joy at a partner’s happiness with someone else. But growth came with responsibility, especially for owning and managing difficult feelings like jealousy, rather than expecting a partner to fix them.
Diversity and complexity. CNM isn’t static. Some people paused or “closed” their relationships at certain times, such as when a new relationship was forming or when starting a family, to build security. Differences in how much each partner wanted CNM could be serious. Half the participants had ended long-term relationships when one partner wanted to stop.
One participant summed it up beautifully: CNM is “a magnifying glass for your relationship”. Strong foundations get stronger, and cracks can become canyons.
A grain of glitter ✨
This is a thoughtful study that, unusually, looks at challenges as well as benefits, and covers a range of CNM styles. But its scale is modest.
Eight participants is a small group, and they were simply the first eight to respond, chosen from a larger pool. There were no transgender participants, and recruitment was online and self-selected, so people with positive experiences may have been more likely to take part. The authors acknowledge that responses could lean favourable. As with all qualitative research, the aim is depth rather than generalisation. These are rich stories, not statistics.
Why this matters
If you’re in, or curious about, a non-monogamous relationship, you deserve support that doesn’t treat your relationship structure as the problem. This study suggests that the skills CNM asks for, such as honest communication, emotional self-awareness and negotiating needs, are skills that strengthen any relationship. And if you’re wrestling with jealousy or internalised “shoulds”, that’s normal, and therapy can help you untangle it.
Who says a unicorn can only have one stablemate? As long as everyone’s consenting, communicating and getting enough hay, the herd can be as big as it likes.