A look at “Beyond monogamy” by Kelli Ennis (2026)
Say the words “consensual non-monogamy” in a room full of people and you’ll get every reaction going, from fascinated curiosity to a horrified “I could never!” Therapists are no exception. This Therapy Today good-practice piece, by a relationship therapist, turns the spotlight not on clients but on what goes on inside the therapist.
What it argues
We all carry relationship scripts. Meet, become exclusive, move in, marry, have children. When a client’s relationship doesn’t follow that script, therapists may find themselves interpreting difference as dysfunction, often without realising it.
Notice your reactions. The author describes how therapists might feel a tightening in the body, a moral reflex that it’s “not right”, an attachment-based jolt at imagining a partner with someone else, or a countertransference urge to “rescue” the client back to safety. These reactions are human, she says, but left unexamined they can quietly steer which questions get asked and what gets treated as the problem.
Separate unfamiliarity from genuine risk. Concerns about safety rarely stem from the number of partners. The same safeguarding lens applies to every relationship: watching for power imbalances, coercion, secrecy and unmet needs.
Jealousy isn’t the monster it’s assumed to be. Jealousy exists in monogamous relationships too, and research suggests it isn’t necessarily more common or more problematic in CNM. The task isn’t to eliminate it, but to explore what it means for the client and how it’s communicated.
Attachment isn’t the whole explanation. Therapists may be tempted to assume that choosing non-monogamy signals insecure attachment or fear of commitment. But attachment patterns show up across all relationships, whatever their structure.
Children can thrive. Having children in a non-monogamous family isn’t in itself a safeguarding concern. Children don’t need to understand adult sexual arrangements to grasp that someone can love more than one person. Research cited by the author suggests children can benefit from having multiple caring adults, with stigma, not structure, being the main challenge.
Her overall prescription is “curiosity rather than certainty.”
A grain of glitter ✨
This is a wise, practical and generous piece, especially in its focus on therapist self-reflection. But it’s an opinion piece drawing on clinical experience and a handful of sources, mostly books, rather than original research.
Some claims are stated a little sweepingly. The idea that lifelong exclusivity is historically “the newcomer”, for example, is a contested reading of history. The research on children in polyamorous families, while encouraging, is still limited and largely qualitative, so it’s a hopeful indication rather than a settled conclusion.
Why this matters
If you’re non-monogamous, it’s worth knowing that a good therapist will be aware of their own reactions and won’t let them run the session. You’re entitled to expect curiosity about what your relationships mean to you, not assumptions about what must be “wrong”. And if you’re a parent, your family structure isn’t a red flag in itself.
Therapists have feelings too, but the best ones keep their own hooves out of your paddock.