Coming out is often imagined as a single, dramatic moment, usually in your teens, usually involving a nervous family dinner. In reality, it’s rarely that tidy. Many people come out in their thirties, fifties or seventies. Many come out more than once: as queer, as trans, as polyamorous, as kinky, or as neurodivergent. And most people find they keep coming out, in small ways, for the rest of their lives.
What the evidence says
The UK government’s National LGBT Survey (2018), which heard from more than 108,000 people, showed how often people still hide who they are. More than two-thirds of respondents said they avoided holding hands with a same-sex partner in public for fear of a negative reaction, and many were not open about their identity at work or with family.
Research on minority stress (see “Minority Stress Explained: Why It’s Not ‘All in Your Head’”) identifies concealment, hiding your identity, as one source of strain. Constantly monitoring what you say and who you say it to takes energy. At the same time, coming out isn’t automatically safe or beneficial for everyone. Its effects depend heavily on context: who you’re telling, and how supportive they’re likely to be.
There are parallels with neurodivergence too. Late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD adults often describe a process of “coming out” about their diagnosis, with similar questions about who to tell and how they’ll react (see “Late-Diagnosed? The Grief, the Relief and Everything In Between”).
A grain of glitter ✨
The National LGBT Survey was large, but it was a self-selected online survey, so it may over-represent people who are more connected to LGBT communities. Research on the benefits of coming out is mixed, and “coming out” itself is a concept rooted in Western culture: in some cultures and families, identity is negotiated more quietly, and that’s valid too.
If you’re thinking about coming out
- There’s no deadline. It’s never too late, and you’re never obliged to.
- You choose the audience. You can be out to some people and not others.
- Safety first. If you’re financially or practically dependent on someone, think about timing and back-up plans.
- Find your people. LGBTQIA+ groups, including those for older people or for neurodivergent queer folk, can offer connection and perspective.
- Get support. Therapy can be a safe place to explore your identity, rehearse conversations and process the reactions you receive.
Whether you’re a foal or a silver-maned elder, there’s no wrong time to let your horn show.
Further reading
- Government Equalities Office (2018). National LGBT Survey: Research Report
- Meyer, I. H. (2003). Psychological Bulletin