Polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, swinging: consensual non-monogamy (CNM) comes in many shapes. It’s also far more common than many people assume. Yet plenty of people in CNM relationships go to therapy for help with something entirely unrelated, only to find their relationship structure becomes the focus. Here’s what the research tells us, and how to find a therapist who won’t treat your love life as the problem.
What the research says
- It’s common. A 2017 US study by Justin Haupert and colleagues found that more than one in five single adults had engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.
- It’s not linked with poorer wellbeing. Studies covered in this series have found that people in CNM relationships report similar levels of relationship satisfaction and psychological wellbeing to monogamous people (see “Busting the Monogamy-Superiority Myth” and “A Plot Twist in the Polyamory Story: Minority Stress and Mental Health”).
- Stigma is the bigger issue. CNM people often face judgement from family, colleagues and, sadly, professionals, and that stigma can affect mental health.
- Therapists can be biased. Research covered in “‘They Must Be Sick’: How Therapists See Non-Monogamous Clients” showed some therapists viewing CNM clients as less healthy or more likely to have problems, even when nothing suggested this.
What a CNM-affirming therapist looks like
- They don’t assume monogamy is the goal, or that opening a relationship is a sign it’s failing.
- They understand terms such as metamour, compersion and hierarchy (or are willing to learn).
- They can work with more than one partner, or with a whole polycule, if that’s what you want.
- They help with real challenges, such as jealousy (see “‘I Couldn’t, I’m Way Too Jealous!’”), time management and communication, without pathologising the structure itself.
Questions to ask
- What experience do you have working with non-monogamous clients?
- How do you think about jealousy?
- Would you be comfortable working with my partners together?
A grain of glitter ✨
Research on CNM is still relatively young, much of it comes from the US, and samples are often recruited from online communities, which may over-represent people who are happy and well-connected. CNM isn’t better than monogamy either: it’s simply another valid way to do relationships, with its own joys and challenges. Equally, some people come to therapy because non-monogamy isn’t working for them, and that deserves non-judgemental support too.
Whether your herd is a pair or a whole meadow, you deserve a therapist who sees the love, not just the logistics.
Further reading
- Haupert, M. L. et al. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy
- BACP, Good Practice across the Counselling Professions 001: Gender, sexual and relationship diversity