A look at “The use of emotionally focused therapy with polyamorous relationships” by Caitlin Edwards, Robert Allan, Nick Marzo, Ted Wynfield and Ryan Hicks (2023)
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the best-researched approaches to couples therapy. It’s built on attachment theory: the idea that we all need a secure emotional bond with the people closest to us, and that relationship conflict often comes from feeling disconnected or unsafe. But EFT was developed mostly with monogamous, heterosexual, cisgender couples. So what happens when there are three, four or more people with attachment bonds to one another? This American paper argues that EFT is surprisingly well suited to the job.
What it argues
Attachment isn’t a one-person-only club. A common assumption is that secure attachment requires exclusivity. The authors argue the opposite. People can form several secure attachment bonds at once, and multiple attachment relationships can meet a wider range of needs and offer more than one “secure base” from which to explore life.
EFT’s core ideas translate well. EFT focuses on spotting negative cycles (like one partner pursuing while another withdraws), uncovering the softer emotions beneath them, and building new, more secure patterns of connection. The authors walk through how each stage of EFT can be expanded to include relationships beyond the couple in the room.
Some adaptations are needed. Therapists need to:
- understand the language and structures of polyamory, such as hierarchical and non-hierarchical relationships, metamours and relationship agreements;
- map attachment cycles across the whole network, not just between two people, because a cycle with one partner can ripple into others;
- recognise that jealousy and insecurity are normal emotions to work with, not proof that polyamory is failing.
A note on “veto power”. The authors recommend against arrangements where one partner can forbid another’s relationships. They argue this usually offers only a false sense of security, papering over anxiety and jealousy rather than addressing them.
A grain of glitter ✨
This is a thoughtful, affirming and practical paper, and it’s encouraging to see a mainstream therapy model engaging seriously with polyamory. But it’s a conceptual proposal. As the authors themselves note, no research has yet tested EFT with polyamorous relationships. The suggestions are informed by theory and clinical experience, not outcome data.
The stance on veto power is a reasonable clinical opinion, but some polyamorous people find such agreements helpful, so it’s best treated as a starting point for discussion rather than a rule. The paper is also US-focused and a few years old now.
Why this matters
If you’re polyamorous and struggling with conflict, disconnection or insecurity, you don’t need a therapist who’ll try to whittle your relationships down to two. Approaches like EFT can be adapted to honour all your important bonds. It’s worth asking a potential couples or relationship therapist whether they’ve worked with polyamorous clients, and whether they’re happy to see more than two people at once.
A unicorn’s heart has plenty of room. The trick is making sure everyone in it feels safe.