A look at “They must be sick: consensual nonmonogamy through the eyes of psychotherapists” by Katarzyna Grunt-Mejer and Agnieszka Łys (2022)
Imagine walking into therapy for help with low mood and leaving with the strong impression that your real problem is your relationship. That’s despite you being perfectly happy in it. For many people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships, that’s a familiar story. This Polish study set out to test, experimentally, whether therapists really do see CNM clients differently. The title rather gives the game away.
What they found
The researchers recruited 324 trainee and qualified psychotherapists and sexologists. Each read short descriptions of a couple seeking help for depression, alcohol misuse, erectile difficulties or relationship conflict. The descriptions were identical except for one detail: whether the couple was monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, or one partner was cheating.
The headlines:
- Non-monogamous clients were rated as less satisfied in their relationships, less moral and even less intelligent than monogamous clients with exactly the same problem.
- For CNM clients, the relationship itself was often blamed for the problem. For monogamous clients, the relationship was rarely seen as the cause.
- Many therapists suggested persuading CNM clients to stop being non-monogamous as part of the solution.
- Cheating was judged most harshly of all, so therapists did distinguish consensual from non-consensual non-monogamy. But CNM still came off worse than monogamy.
- Clinical experience made no difference. Experienced therapists held the same assumptions as trainees.
The authors point out that decades of research have found no meaningful differences in personality, relationship satisfaction or mental health between monogamous and non-monogamous people. In other words, the bias isn’t based on evidence.
A grain of glitter ✨
This is a clever, well-designed study, and using identical scenarios is a powerful way to reveal bias that people might not admit to directly. But there are a few caveats.
The participants were Polish, and Poland is relatively conservative about sexual and relational diversity, so attitudes may differ elsewhere. The authors note, though, that a previous comparison found similar attitudes among the general public in Poland and Britain. Most participants were female trainees rather than experienced practitioners. Responding to a short written scenario isn’t the same as sitting with a real client. And the study is now several years old; we can hope attitudes have shifted since, though there’s little evidence to say they have.
Why this matters
If you’re polyamorous, in an open relationship or otherwise non-monogamous, it’s entirely reasonable to ask a potential therapist how they feel about CNM before you start. You deserve someone who will help with what you came for, without treating your relationship structure as the hidden “real” problem. And for therapists, this study is a timely nudge to check our assumptions at the door.
The therapy room should be a judgement-free paddock. No unicorn should have to defend the size of its herd before getting help with its hooves.