A look at “When two is too few: Addressing polyamorous clients in therapy” by Brittany Trexler (2024)
Couples therapy has a built-in assumption right there in the name: couples. But what happens when a “system” of three, four or more people walks into the room, or when one person in a polyamorous network wants help with something that has nothing to do with their relationships at all? This American discussion paper, written by a counsellor and sex therapy doctoral student, sets out what therapists need to know.
What it covers
How common is polyamory? Estimates suggest around 4–5% of people in the US are currently in some form of consensual non-monogamy, and around one in five have tried it at some point. One national survey of single adults found that nearly 17% wanted to try polyamory. That’s hardly a fringe interest.
A history of bias. The author describes a long history of therapists pathologising polyamorous clients. This has included over-diagnosing personality disorders, assuming polyamorous people fear commitment, viewing polyamory as more harmful than cheating, and, in around one in five practitioners in earlier studies, believing the goal of therapy should be a return to monogamy. Yet research consistently finds no meaningful differences in mental health between polyamorous and monogamous people.
What clients report. Stigma, distrust, microaggressions, and even “therapeutic voyeurism”, where a therapist asks questions out of curiosity rather than to help. Some found their relationships were dismissed entirely. Others found them treated as the problem when they’d come for something else.
How therapists can do better.
- Educate themselves through books, podcasts, workshops and community resources, rather than relying on clients to explain.
- Examine their own assumptions about what a “healthy” relationship looks like.
- Use inclusive language and intake forms, such as “partner(s)”.
- Be practical, for example by thinking about seating, scheduling and confidentiality when several partners attend.
- Refer on if they can’t set aside their own values.
- Above all, don’t pathologise polyamory.
A grain of glitter ✨
This is a warm, clear and practical piece, and a useful primer for any therapist. But it’s a discussion paper rather than research. There’s no systematic search, and some claims rely on a fairly small pool of sources, several of which are books or practitioner accounts rather than studies.
It’s also very US-centred. And while the author rightly notes that working with multi-partner systems can be more complex, the paper offers little evidence on which therapeutic techniques actually work best, because, as she acknowledges, that research barely exists yet.
Why this matters
If you’re polyamorous, you shouldn’t have to spend your therapy sessions justifying your relationships or teaching your therapist Polyamory 101. You deserve someone who’ll take your relationships seriously when they’re relevant, and leave them alone when they’re not. And if you’re coming to therapy as a group, it’s entirely reasonable to ask whether a therapist has experience working with more than two partners.
In the unicorn world, “the more the merrier” is a perfectly respectable relationship philosophy. Bring the whole herd.